The right prompts.
People have so many untold stories.
They are lying underneath.
Waiting to be told.
Waiting to be written.
Waiting for the right prompts.
Those prompts will come from you.
When you are genuinely curious.
When you actively listen.
When you actively listen.
When you make them feel heard.
That happens by being socially skilled.
Each person gets seen and heard.
Including you.
Risky without whisky
I need to down a few drinks first.. hehehe
I swear, if I gave a nickel for the number of times I’ve heard people say this, I’d be living on the streets.
Go talk to them.
Nah. Haven’t drunk enough.
Go dance.
Not feeling the buzz yet.
Seriously, that buzzed state of mind is such a crutch.
The ability to engage with a lively presence, to speak with whatever is your earnest levels of confidence..
..and most importantly, to have no shield and bare yourself with all your might to the world, is fucking amazing.
Yes, it's going to be a 𝘳𝘰𝘺𝘢𝘭 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘦. But be thankful that your mumma - Mrs. 𝘔𝘤𝘋𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭’𝘴 𝘕𝘰.1 won’t be there to hold your hand. Because it’s time to become a big boy (or girl).
Walk up and talk to people, dance, sing whatever you want to do without the buzz, as much as you can.
Take the risk. It’ll be real. And reality is a damn good place to be in.
The lingering exit
Maybe you are at a networking event, having a great conversation with someone who is well recognized. Its going so well, you are sure the person will remember the interaction and you'll get together again.
However, once you see the sign that the conversation is drawing to a close, you ignore it. You both share a heavy pause. Either one is expecting a second wind in the interaction. It doesn't come. You start looking around the room for something to cling onto.
And pretty much right there, the other person blurts, rather awkwardly 𝘰𝘬𝘢𝘺, 𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶. They smile and walk away. Now you are wondering if they'll indeed remember you.
You fell trap to the lingering exit - a supposedly hopeful nebulas of holding someone's interest for juuuuust a little more time.
Here's the thing, you have to be the one to exit the conversation. Read the cue, make a judgement call and confidently assert how it was wonderful talking to them and you can't wait to hear from them again.
You are leaving on a high. You are, in a way, leaving them with the thought 𝘐 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯, 𝘸𝘰𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘧 𝘪𝘵'𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯.
And with that, you stand out.
Self rejections are selfish
You play a story out in your head each time you doubt yourself from talking to someone new. Unfortunately, it's a depressing story.
The kind that says:
That person is going to forget about me.
I’m a nobody. Why would they talk to me?
I’m not interesting.
Those are all the scenarios playing in your head preventing you from actually talking to the person.
Its helping you save yourself from a rejection. Which is fine. We all do it somewhere or the other.
But what if you stopped being selfish? Stopped making it about yourself? But made it about the other person.
Your statements would then shift:
Maybe I'M not interesting but I could find THAT person interesting.
That person may forget about me but let me find out why I’m drawn to them.
I may be a nobody but this person will still feel validated by me.
So switch it up. Give those self-rejections a positive spin. Stop making it about you.
This approach can apply to any aspect of life.
If this is true what else is true.
That's a technique used in improv performances to derive details about an enacted character. The richer the details, the better the performers can navigate the improvised performance.
Cut to everyday life: This technique is excellent for small talk. If one thing is true about the person, what else can be true about them??
Example 1
Person: ...the new monorail corridor will ease up a lot of commute hassle.
-- After applying the technique --
You: What else do you hate about living in Mumbai besides traffic?
Example 2
Person: I work in accounting.
-- After applying the technique --
You: Ah, were you always good with numbers?
Example 3
Person: I enjoy all kinds of music.
-- After applying the technique --
You: That tells me you might not be finicky about food. Is it true?
The idea is to subtly pivot from the existing topic by asking questions which help reveal their likes, dislikes, interests and passions.
Because ultimately, that's what will help us connect more.
The underdog.
We always root for the underdog. That’s how so many movie characters are written. That’s how our sportspeople inspire us. Even entrepreneurs.
We see our own struggles in their stories. When they triumph, we believe we can too.
I think that's so because these people gun for their goals.
If focus, determination, risk taking ability, discipline, self-awareness, acceptance of failures are their internal qualities, then confidence, conviction, intensity in their eyes, a winner’s body language are seen externally.
And execution, analyzing, learning, bouncing back are their actions.
If we gunned for our goals this way, the internal and external change that we’d feel and what people see would be noteworthy.
We too would look like the underdog ready to win.
Go say hi.
“Go say hi.
What’s the worst that can happen?”
Me: * Looks around *
* Attempts to regulate breathing *
*Fights motor neuron shutdown *
Me: HaIE!
The nerves needed to say your first word to someone can cripple you.
So what do you do?
You do it anyway. You’ll get better the next time.
And then the next
And the next
And the next
And the..
..until one day, you’ll become the boss of ‘Saying Hi’ confidently to anyone.
Adding humor in conversations
Humor is a skill that anyone can learn specially in interactions with people.
Having been an improv stage performer, audiences expect comedy and laughter. Over the years, I've learnt to identify potential funny moments (on stage and in real life) and deliver on them through different humor techniques.
One technique is 'Incongruity'. Incongruity basically means to break one's expected pattern of thinking aka. make it incongruous. It feels like a punch when something unexpected is said which is where the term 'punchline' comes from.
Below is an actual interaction I had with a girl at a social event and you'll see how 'incongruity' comes into play here:
I asked the girl What do you do? She said I sell drugs.
I raised my eyebrow Huh? She laughed and clarified I work at a pharma company.
I chuckled.
(She broke my pattern of thinking with an answer that is unusual. The incongruity made it humorous)
She then asked me What do you do? I said I teach social skills using the techniques of improv.
She paused for a moment. Then she said Okay now tell me what do you really do.
I raised my eyebrow again. She laughed. I laughed too.
(She broke my pattern of thinking again)
Spontaneity and the magic of being natural
Spontaneity = An observant eye + Honest expression x Speed
No one possesses any elite level powers to be spontaneous.
All it takes for you is to warm up your muscles for deep observations of people, your ability to not be scared while talking to them and then doing both, at reasonable speed.
Spontaneity is authentic. You, of course aren’t throwing caution to the wind and letting go of all calculatedness when you converse with someone.
But I swear, spontaneity helps you be fun. Be natural. Be real.
It can be turned on and off at will once you get good at it.
When you are learning how to be spontaneous, you aren’t necessarily learning the skill of it.
But rather you are unlearning how to stop being closed, afraid, agenda-driven, and deadpan beneath which is where your natural spontaneous self is hidden.
Making it comfortable
Making someone feel comfortable in your presence is vital. It leaves a favorable impression. Besides, it also establishes the tone of the relationship you can potentially build with them.
But we often faulter in how to set that comfort.
What most of us do:
- Being overly polite
- Saying nice things
- Constantly agreeing
What we ought to do:
- Adapting to their energy (active or slow paced)
- Having a warm tone & body language
- Active listening
- Showing vulnerability
Stories deepen conversations.
Small talk can’t go on forever. It needs a caveat.
If you’re interested in building a relationship, a story can be that caveat.
Your story - whether sad or happy or funny gives you a chance to bypass small talk and connect on a deeper level.
With that story you are sharing a truth about you, painting a real life picture of who you are in the mind of this person after you leave.
So always keep a few stories in your backpocket. Tell them over and over to different people. Refine them each time. Leave a mark.
Here are some I always talk about
- A trek where I nearly died
- My bicycle accident that broke my hand
- My burger eating story
- My relationship with my dad
- Some unpleasant dates I’ve been on
- My most agonizing fever day
All posts authored by Nasir Engineer, the Founder & Creative Director of Flutr
Shining with your Awkwardness.
We stumble, we fall, we say the wrong thing, we forget, we are at a loss for words and we nervously scan the floor for the next thing to say. It's the rite of passage for every one of us.
Some do it less and some do it more. But we are never free of a potential awkward moment waiting for us right around the corner.
In such instances, all you have to do is realize you are HUMAN.
And if it's any solace, whatever you think is your awkward moment, be assured we've all done it.
The only thing is, we are glad that whatever happened right now didn't happen to us and that it was YOU : )
But remember that YOUR reaction to the awkward moment is how people will react to it as well.
- If you show humiliation, people will feel awkward themselves.
- If you show anger, people will remember it forever.
- If you laugh and take a friendly jab at the whole thing, people will laugh as well and be on your side.
Do the 3rd thing. You’ll shine even when you don’t. You will positively stick in people's minds.
You are owning that awkward moment. You will turn it around and make it work for you. It comes from the improv principle which says - all mistakes are a gift.
The root
of your
charisma
You don't have to wish for the talent of SRK, or the genius of Ratan Tata, or the grace of a world leader.
Charisma is not necessarily hidden in the worldly smarts, the quick wits or the gift of the gabs.
Charisma is in being unmoved.
It's the way in which you couldn’t care any less about the world trying to influence you, and you do what you believe in and what drives you anyway.
Because in a world where most people get easily swayed, the person who is able to hold their ground, live by their truth, push past against external influence, pressure, judgement or negativity, then tat person begins to radiate differently.
If that person is you, it is going to make you look charismatic. It is going to come across in the way you carry yourself wherever you go. People can't help but notice and listen to a person like that.
Your values, attitude and behaviour of being unmoved will align itself to your words and that will make you a charismatic person to talk to.